"HEATHCLIFF! IT'S SHE, OH OGILVY, I'VE COME HOME NOW..."
The Saintly Ian Ogilvy is a man of wit, charm and waspish put-downs. All of which he brings with him when viewing the latest (or oldest) celluloid disasterpiece in his own inimitable style. He's more arch than the Arc De Triomphe, takes more liberties than the Statue of Liberty, and finds more holes in movie plots than you can find on a golf course with a lot of holes in it. He's mostly accompanied by SHE (his long-suffering but quite intimidating wife), who steals all his punctuation and hides it in a carton of popcorn.
If you've seen Mr. Ogilvy on Facebook, you’ll be aware of his big following. Well, perhaps not big, but certainly devoted. Well, perhaps not devoted. Mildly interested would be more accurate. Yes. Anyway, in this book he's collated the best of his reviews for some of the films he's seen, reserving his comments for those movies that do something interesting to his funny bone. This is an extended edition (a director's cut, if you will), with additional unseen content, that will make you re-evaluate your viewing choices and chortle at his freeflowing honesty.
Mr. Ogilvy himself says: 'I was quite happy updating my status on my own
(which can make you go blind, I believe) until I was offered a book deal to
gather all my musings into one handy-to-throw object. It can be used in that
manner to show your disgust/delight with the state of modern cinema. If people
would employ me as the next Marvel superhero, I'd stop writing these reviews.
But, until that happens, I'm going to have my bit of fun with any film I'm not in.
And rightly so.'
Ladies and gentlemen, Chinbeard Books are proud to present IAN OGILVY'S WITHERING SLIGHTS.
Illustration by Charles Waple (Scribes Like Us)
THE BRITISH ARE COMING!
We, at Chinbeard Books, are HUGELY delighted that Derek and Dave Philpott have chosen us for their last important tome of comedy goodness. Here's their Press Release below...
"You may be aware of our books of deliberately deranged letters to iconic 60s-90s pop and rock stars with genuine in-on-joke replies. The second, 'Dear Mr Pop Star' has just 'dropped', as is the parlance of the young, to worldwide acclaim, and the first 'Dear Mr. Kershaw' was released to similar plaudits in 2015.
THE RETURN OF THE KING...
In late 2018, we'll be publishing a book to honour the late, great Peter Wyngarde, and also to raise money for a theatrical charity.
You can read all about this long lost novel from celebrated author Jason King (via Editor Johnny Mains), in more detail here:
We are delighted to be able to assist in the publication of this novel and we hope it will be a great addition to Jason King's treasure chest of Mark Caine adventures.
The King reclaims his crown.
Coming in 2018...
The Time War is affecting The War Doctor's past.
Regenerations features Doctors 1 to 8, each appearing in what should be a celebrated and classic tale from their television tenure. But, with each story, there is something wrong. The events within have been immeasurably altered, changed, and perverted by the raging Time War and nothing is as it once was and nothing is as it was once remembered.
From an initial idea by Seasons of War Editor and Writer, Declan May.
Cover illustration by Steve Horry
(with additional colouring by Chiara Bonacini)
This book is wholly written for charity, with nobody receiving a fee and with Chinbeard Books not taking any cost (aside from postage and packaging). Any and all original copyright is used without the owner's permission but without any profit being made.
SINGLE WHITE WHO FAN - The Life & Times of Jackie Jenkins...
It's 2018 and Jackie Jenkins has returned!
This collection of her collected columns from Doctor Who Magazine, features exclusive new material that takes her story up to the 50th Anniversary.
If you loved Bridget Jones's Diary, you'll love Jackie Jenkins. But, if you're a Doctor Who fan, you'll recognise yourself in her and her band of fan chums immediately.
This is a rather heart-warming and often laugh out loud funny tale of a female fan, struggling with her desire for the Doctor and her desire to lead a normal romantic life.
You can buy this new edition now, from CHINBEARD BOOKS.
Head on over to the Buy Beard section of the website and use the links provided.
SINGLE WHITE WHO FAN: The Life and Times of Jackie Jenkins - ON AUDIO...
Doctor Who Magazine's flirty female diarist is back! And it’s about time.
To tie-in with our upcoming re-publication of 'Single White Who Fan' by Jackie Jenkins, Spiteful Puppet have released their full-cast audio version of the novel. It is available now, on digital download. Here's what they have to say about it...
Single White Who Fan: The Life and Times of Jackie Jenkins is a full-cast audio adaptation of the columns featured in DWM (1997 - 2000, plus exclusive new material that takes her story to the 50th anniversary in 2013), featuring Joy-Amy Wigman as the voice of Jackie - a girl who views the world through TARDIS-shaped windows.
From pub nights out to TV nights in, incompetent friends to entangled relationships, follow Jackie and her friends as they ponder life, love and the Doctor.
With cameo appearances from Doctor Who alumni, this full-cast audio production is a feature-length listen to what would happen if Bridget Jones was a life-long Doctor Who fan. Click HERE to order.
Unfortunately, we have come to the decision that Chinbeard Books won't be able to provide print runs on books for the foreseeable future. We don't have the time or the resources (or, indeed, the money) to invest in stock - which would be our preferred method. However, this doesn't mean we can't continue to keep publishing, it just means that each book will be created individually and all that means is less profit for us. We're okay with that as we've only ever been in this to see books published. We can assure you there won't be any drop in quality. If the situation changes, we'll be sure to let you know. But, for now, it's business as usual.
'JUST DINO' UPDATE
We sold out of our first print run of this personal biography of the legendary entertainer, written by the President of the UK Dean Martin Association (and who was instrumental in a lot of his UK record releases).
Since then, we've had a fair few messages asking when it will be back in stock.
We are delighted to announce that, as of now, you'll be able to buy this book once again.
Head on over to the Buy Beard section of the website.
Thanks for your interest and the feedback that buyers have given us about this wonderfully warm memoir.
With over 275 stories penned by 70 authors, we are delighted to announce that this passion project from Elton Townend Jones will be on sale soon.
The publication date is WEDNESDAY 6th DECEMBER.
You will be able to buy it from a link popped up in our Charity Beard section.
The price will be £10.99 and, from that, £3.00 will go to the Children In Need charity.
Chinbeard Books will receive no money from this book as it, like our other charity books, employs a 'Print On Demand' third party - so that no money is lost and 100% goes to the charity the book supports.
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS...
Spectrum Is Indestructible: The Unofficial 50th Anniversary Celebration of Captain Scarlet & The Mysterons is up for pre-order.
Here's the blurb, for those of you interested...
"Celebrating 50 years since the finger was on the trigger, Spectrum is Indestructible is the ultimate critical guide to Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons.
All thirty-two episodes of the classic TV series receive in-depth reviews, along with fresh analysis of Captain Scarlet’s extended universe found in comics, novels, audio dramas and other essays examining further aspects of the series; with infographics, photos and more.
A heartfelt critique of a classic sci-fi action/adventure television drama, Spectrum is Indestructible is the book no Spectrum Agent or Angel should be without."
Written by FRED MCNAMARA
Design and Infographics by ROBERT HAMMOND
Cover Art and Page Image by DARYL JOYCE
THIS IS A PRE-ORDER TO GUARANTEE A COPY.
Published in February 2018.
We are delighted to announce that artist DARYL JOYCE has been commissioned to provide the front cover of SPECTRUM IS INDESTRUCTIBLE – THE UNOFFICIAL 50TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION OF CAPTAIN SCARLET AND THE MYSTERONS by Fred McNamara.
Daryl cites classic series title artist Ron Embleton as an influence but has a unique style all of his own, which is cinematic and eye-catching. His painting used here is of Cloudbase, the aircraft carrier headquarters of Spectrum from the original series, as depicted by Daryl in a stunningly beautiful way.
The book will be up for pre-order this weekend too.
It's a delight to be able to announce that we have opened pre-orders for JUST DINO in the centenary year of Dean Martin. You can grab a copy from our Buy Beard section. You can also watch a specially-shot trailer too by clicking here.
This is an intimate biography penned by a friend of over thirty years, who was also responsible for getting Dean Martin's music released in the UK. Bernard H Thorpe, sadly, passed away before his manuscript found a home but, fortunately for us, his son - Elliot - polished the manuscript for his late father and brought it shining to us.
The book will be released on August 1st but, as of now, you can make sure you don't miss out on a first edition by pre-ordering early.
Our schedules are moving backwards and forwards in time, much like the universe's favourite Time Lord. What once we had planned is still going ahead, but with revised releases in different months. So, a little earlier than expected, we have a book with a Doctor Who connection and one which - we hope - will appeal to any of you who've been involved in small community or professional theatre companies. Way back, when the 40th anniversary of the show was looming, The OFFSTAGE Theatre Group were commissioned to write a couple of live shows that would entertain the fans at UK conventions. This ballooned into something special and they found themselves travelling the length and breadth of the country, at many conventions, providing original live action nonsense on stage - doing their best not to repeat themselves. A decade of trials and tantrums, with a lot of laughs along the way, this is the story that leads up to (and includes) an invitation to fly across the pond and provide the evening entertainment for the biggest and the best USA convention, Gallifrey One (this was billed as their final outing, as it was a very hard show to top), and their brief re-emergence at the 50th anniversary celebrations performing hours before the worldwide cinematic broadcast of the special by the BBC (second-guessing what would be included and getting it surprisingly right!). It features a plethora of photos, unused ideas and sketches, script extracts, personal recollections from the cast and a few famous Doctor Who luminaries, a foreword by COLIN BAKER (the Sixth Doctor), an afterword by TOBY HADOKE ('Moths Ate My Doctor Who Scarf', etc), and a new comic strip, commissioned exclusively for this book, from the acclaimed team of DICKY HOWETT & TIM QUINN ('Doctor Who Magazine', etc). Available to pre-order from this 'Buy Beard' link. This will be a strictly limited print run of only 100 books.
SPECIAL 'WORLD BOOK DAY' BARGAIN...
Founder of Chinbeard Books, Mr Barnaby Eaton-Jones, once had a comedic novel published by a now-defunct publishing house. In its third print run, the publisher expired and we have acquired the remaining copies to sell through Chinbeard Books. Well, we sort of had to or our founder would have thrown a hissy fit and tugged on his beard until it came off.
If you like your humour on the Douglas Adams side, then this book may well be for you. We're offering it at a reduced price of £4.99 and you can grab it from the shop.
Here's a quote from a recent review: "... imagine the Pelican Brief, written by Douglas Adams and starring a 1990’s Hugh Grant at his bumbling best. But with robots. And a cat called Eric." (Susan Omand, Dreamcage Media)
Our beloved and bearded founder has threatened a sequel for many years. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere near finishing it.
SEASONS OF WAR - FINAL EDITION...
For your information, the books have now been printed and are currently being packaged and addressed.
International orders will be sent out on Friday 3rd March.
Domestic orders will be sent out on Saturday 4th March.
Thank you for your patience. We hope you'll enjoy this new edition, especially as we've been able to include a little tribute to the late Sir John Hurt.
And there's even a short foreword by STEVEN MOFFAT!
SIR JOHN HURT (1940 - 2017)
Seasons of War (FINAL EDITION) has been delayed due to the unexpected and very sad news that the legendary actor who brought the War Doctor character to life, which our anthology is based around, has passed away.
We are including a tribute to him within the book and this means we'll update you when the book has gone to print. In the meantime, we thank you for your patience.
He was, uniquely, a man seemingly without ego and yet blessed with true talent. Travel well, Doctor.
FORTHCOMING PUBLICATIONS FOR 2017...
Gullible's Travels - the autobiography of BAFTA award-winning actor/director Jason Connery.
The Life & Times Of Jackie Jenkins - a collection of columns from Doctor Who Magazine.
Single White Who Fan - a full-cast audio play adaptation of The Life & Times Of Jackie Jenkins.
Spectrum Is Indestructible - an unofficial 50th anniversary tribute to Captain Scarlet, written by Fred McNamara.
Dean Martin - A Personal Biography - written by his friend and UK Fan Club leader Bernard H. Thorpe.
The Irregulars - a fast-paced, gritty spy novel, written by newcomer Will Nixon.
Feel - a charity pictorial anthology for breast cancer charities, with a strong, powerful theme of femininity.
Sherwood Is Small - children's stories of Robin Hood, by Amanda Miller and Chris Mockridge.
Lifting The Vale - a pictorial celebration of the work of photographer Ceri Vale.
Who's Playing Who? - the diary of a decade of tantrums and triumphs in a TARDIS; by Barnaby Eaton-Jones.
NOTHING IS FORGOTTEN...
England during the reign of King John and a dark force is intent on conquest. Only the Hooded Man can stand against it.
The church lies impotent at the mercy of the Pope and the interdict against King John. With the people living in fear and a series of strange disappearances that threaten the very fabric of Noble society, Robin ‘i’ the Hood and his band of outlaws must race to rescue the past so that the future may be protected. A journey to Huntingdon and beyond Sherwood will see them battle their most dangerous enemy yet as Herne's son faces The Knights of the Apocalypse...
This is strictly limited edition of a novelisation of the original version of the script written by Richard 'Kip' Carpenter, that was adapted for the recent audio production by Barnaby Eaton-Jones and Spiteful Puppet Entertainment Ltd.
It will be produced in the same Puffin style as the original TV series novelisations from the 1980s.
This is 100% charitable. All proceeds will go to The Sherwood Forest Trust and The British Red Cross.
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS...
A full schedule of next year's releases is coming soon, we promise, but our chinbeards couldn't wait to announce this...
'Spectrum Is Indestructible' - a 50th anniversary tribute in celebration of Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons.
Available in late 2017.
Our next book will be released on the 23rd of November, which is - not entirely coincidentally - also 53 years to the day since Doctor Who first aired.
A Time Lord for Change is a brand-new charity anthology that takes every single television Doctor Who story from 1963-2015 (from ‘An Unearthly Child’ to ‘The Husbands of River Song’) – covering all the Doctors, companions, adventures, and enemies – and responds to them re-imagines and re-interprets them as drabbles: stories, poems, letters, songs, vignettes and memoirs of exactly 100 words in length, no more, no less. And this book contains over 270 of them!
Chinbeard Books – donating to mental health charity MIND – offers every fan of TV’s Time Lord a new opportunity to take the Doctor’s hand and step aboard the TARDIS to discover a whole new world of Doctor Who previously unseen, a world that’s sometimes frightening, sometimes silly, sometimes irreverent and sometimes deliciously analytical; a world which features:
The Twelfth Doctor choosing weapons and revealing more empathy cards; River Song telling us why she loves each Doctor; a trip behind the scenes with the Curator; the musings of a cat that likes kidney; the thoughts of a horse called Susan; Dalek/human parallels; another death for Rory; Monty Python’s ‘The Rings of Akhaten’; a 10-year-old re-watching a Christmas special; John Lumic stealing his big idea; what we might have had if we didn’t have ‘Blink’; the truth about that thing on Midnight; Donna’s school report; what else got loose from Van Statten’s collection; Adam’s clever solution; the death-birth of Good Wolf; the War Doctor’s many names; the Eighth Doctor’s visit to HG Wells; a chance to save someone for old times’ sake; Andrew Cartmel’s Season 27; Kroagnon’s other faux pas; the Master at the shops; the Sixth Doctor’s final moments; the mind of a multi-coloured coat; what Chessene did next; Sil’s involvement in Tranquil Repose; how the Earth’s new name was chosen; Ibbotson on Facebook; the inter-galactic shipping forecast; the truth about Morgus; Sarah’s kleptomania; Jano and the Sevateem; the famous Giant Prawn; the lie they told Adric; the Tenth Doctor at the Gateway; how the Daleks saved a child from depression; life on Dust or death on Earth for the Third Doctor; Zaroff’s fishy secret; Ian Hendry as the leader of the Dominators; the creation of the Karkus; the Second Doctor’s golden birth; the secret struggle of Sensorite women; how the Time War started; and the First Doctor’s death amongst the Aztecs. All of that - and a lot more besides…
A Time Lord for Change features a host of authors (a vortex of Wholigans, in fact) - over 100 professional and amateur contributors, including prominent names from Doctor Who itself: Colin Baker, Katy Manning, Andrew Cartmel, Robert Shearman, Jane Sherwin, and Terry Molloy. Other prominent contributors include: Joanne Harris, Paul Magrs, John Dorney, Neil Perryman, David J Howe, Simon Bucher-Jones, Paul Ebbs, Simon A Forward, Ian Potter, John Davies, James Gent, JR Southall, Alan Stevens, Fiona Moore, Steve Horry, Declan May, and Rebecca Vaughan; plus Cliff Chapman who conceived and commissioned the project, project publisher/producer Barnaby Eaton-Jones (Robin of Sherwood: The Knights of the Apocalypse) and critically acclaimed playwright and theatre producer Elton Townend Jones (The Unremarkable Death of Marilyn Monroe), who edits the collection.
TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE...
A schedule of forthcoming releases will be announced soon and our beards are bristling with delight at the books to be published in the near future. But, we've also got a VERY limited number of 'Seasons Of War' books yet in our store. Head on over and grab a copy before they dematerialise forever.
Our next publication is another charity anthology with Doctor Who as its central premise. This one is called 'A Time Lord For Change'; covering every story broadcast, and more, these 100-word drabbles are the most amazing form of literary expression and we've got very famous writers and very famous fan writers to contribute.
It is with great delight that our furry little chinbeards can croon this announcement together! In 2017 (yes, we're scheduling that far in advance), we'll be publishing - in the centenary of his birth - a very personal biography of the iconic all-round entertainer, Dean Martin. Here's a little explanation from the author's son, Elliot Thorpe...
very very pleased to announce for 2017 from Chinbeard Books: DEAN MARTIN
- A PERSONAL BIOGRAPHY by Bernard H Thorpe. As some of you know, my
dad had tirelessly and proudly promoted Dino and his career since 1960,
in the process gaining the privilege to call Dino a friend. Dino would
have been 100 years old in 2017 and so this biography is in celebration
of that and of the hard work my dad did for him for over 50 years. Sadly
my dad died earlier this year so I hope I can do it justice by
finishing what he started..."
We are very humbled, here at Chinbeard Books, that we can publish and promote this very personal tome.
Whilst we prepare the first few books for
pre-ordering, we are just so incredibly excited and ludicrously humbled
to reveal that Chinbeard Books Ltd will be releasing Gullible's
Travels by Jason Connery in late 2016.
This book is a collection of memories
from his weird and wonderful life and, having read an extract, it is
incredibly witty. Mr Connery's writing voice just oozes warmth and charm
and sly humour.
The front cover that you see to your left is not the finished version but it's a mighty fine mock-up by the rather wonderful Robert Hammond.
To learn more about Jason, please visit his website: www.jasonconnery.net
At Chinbeard Books Ltd, we wish to ensure the highest quality
printing for our books; which means no less than a minimum 100-book
print run from a professional printers with the possibility of losing a
hefty amount of money if the book doesn't sell. But, as we're only a
small publisher and producing a high quantity of charity anthologies
from the outset, we will also be using a Print-On-Demand service as well
(in order for the charity to receive money direct, for one thing).
When a book is up for pre-order, we will tell you whether it is part of a print run or if it is Print-On-Demand; as we know some customers will often prefer one to the other. Hopefully, once the business grows, all of our books will be exclusively created in print runs from a professional printing firm but we hope you'll forgive us this half and half approach for our start-up.
We like to be open and honest about these things!